The Gunslinger
by Kathy Knudsen1
Summary: Kid struggles, not with the fact that he killed Danny Bilson, but with the fact that he planned to kill Danny


Hannibal Heyes lay on his right side on the bed, propping himself up on one elbow as he watched his partner, Kid Curry tying his holster snugly to his right thigh. Kid's hat and saddlebags lay on his own bed.

Kid stood with his back toward his partner, watching the first rays of the morning sunlight slip through the tatting lace curtains.

"Kid, just tell me where you're going," Heyes asked of his partner.

"I don't know," Kid replied,

"Well how long will you be gone?"

"I don't know, Heyes."

Heyes was seething and was glad Kid couldn't see his frustration. "Then at least tell me why?"

Kid's shoulders slumped as he slowly turned around to face his partner. When he spoke, there was no anger in his voice, no sign of frustration. "I just have to figure some things out, Heyes. We're not splitting up. I just need... some time."

"If we're not splitting up, then why can't I come with you?"

Kid uttered a tired sighed. They had had this conversation at least a dozen times in the past week. "This don't involve you, Heyes. It's something I have to figure out... on my own."

Heyes sat up, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. "This is about Danny Bilson, isn't it? You're still worked up about killing Danny Bilson."

Kid walked over to his own bed and sat down facing Heyes. "I ain't worked up about killing Danny Bilson. It was a fair fight, and he called me out."

Heyes leaned forward, clasped his hands and rested them on his knees. "Then tell me, Kid. What is it that has you in such turmoil?"

Kid chewed on his lower lip. "Heyes, when Seth died out there, something in me changed... Something turned cold... Something hardened. That's when I decided I was gunna kill Danny Bilson."

Heyes studied Kid's eyes. He saw fear.

"Heyes... I ain't never..."

"What, Kid?"

"I ain't never … planned... to kill someone... That cold, hard feeling is still in me, Heyes. I can't shake it. … Killing Danny made me... a gunslinger."

Heyes' entire demeanor softened.. "How will leaving resolve that, Kid?"

Kid shook his head and looked down at the floor. "I don't know, but staying ain't helped."

"Alright, Kid... Somethings a man does have to work out for himself... Maybe this is one of yours... How will we find each other when you've come to terms with this?"

"I'll let Lom know where I am every week or so... You can check with him.… I'll tell him when I'm ready."

"I want to help you, Kid."

Kid sighed. "I know."

They both knew there was nothing more to be said. Kid picked up his saddle bags and hung them over his shoulder. He picked up his hat and put it on.

And he was gone.

Kid had been careful not to tell Heyes where he was going, but he had decided a couple of weeks ago who it was he needed to talk to, and he knew who could guide him through the process. So he headed west into Arizona.

After three days in the saddle, Kid reaches the secluded convent. He draws his horse to a halt at the bend of the road and looks down at the well kept garden gracing the front of the building. He sees no hint of activity outside. Giving his chestnut a gently nudge, Kid rides slowly down the dirt path leading to the convent. He stops just before he reaches the garden and tethers his horse to a tree. Slowly, Kid walks up the the door and knocks. After a few moments a young novice opens the door. Kid quickly pulls off his hat.

"Good morning, Sister. I'm Thaddeus Jones. I'm looking for Sister Julie. Is she still here?"

The novice opened the door further, allowing Kid into a foyer. Bits of plaster had flecked and peeled from the walls. A life-size plaster stature of the Virgin Mary stood in the center of the foyer. its base chipped and scuffled, the statue obstructed Kid's view down a long hall leading into the convent.

"Wait here Mr. Jones," the Novice said and disappeared down the hallway.

It was obvious the building was in a state of much needed repair. The hardwood floor on which Kid stood was clean but unvarnished and dull. On one wall hung a brass sculpture of the crucifixion.

"Thaddeus," Sister Julia's voice rang out before she emerged from the hallway. "How nice it is to see you again. What brings you out here? And where is your friend, Joshua."

Kid smiled warmly and opened his arms to offer an embrace.

Sister Julie returned the embrace and then took two steps back. "Let me get a good look at you, Thaddeus. Why you haven't changed a bit. Are you still herding cattle?"

"Well, no Ma'am, er.. Sister, we're... that is Joshua and I are... well... between jobs right now."

"So you thought you would take the opportunity for a visit. How wonderful. Where is Joshua?"

"Oh, he's not with me right now, Sister. Joshua is back in Wyoming. We'll meet up again in a few weeks."

"So that means you have time to stay for supper... And we have time to catch up on each other lives."

Kid smiled and nodded. "Thank you sister."

"Come, follow me, Thaddeus. We'll go to the library for a chat."

Kid followed Sister Julia down the long hall. Kid continued to note many much needed repairs. Sister Julia stopped in front of the room marked "Library," and opened the doors. The room was the size of a parlor. Bookshelves lined the walls but only one wall of shelves contained books, primarily scriptures and hymnals. In the far corner of the room, where tall windows welcomed the afternoon sun, a settee and several well worn chairs along the edges of an old woven rug. A round oak table in the center of the arrangement.

"Please, sit, Thaddeus," Sister Julia said, gesturing with one arm.

"After you, Sister," Kid replied.

Sister Julia sank into a chair. Kid sat on the settee near her.

"So, what brings us the pleasure of your company, Thaddeus?"

"I just found myself near by, Sister and, well I have some spare time for a while and... well I thought you might be able to use a man's help for a few days, making repairs and such."

Sister Julia clasped her hands together and leaned forward, smiling. "Seek and yea shall find," she exclaimed.

Kid looked confused. "Pardon me, Ma'am."

"Just last week the other Sisters and I were discussing what repairs were most needed and, now, here you are. You are thinking in terms of charity of course, aren't you, Thaddeus? We have no money to pay you."

"Yes, Ma'am. I'm not expecting payment."

"Fine. I can offer you room and board."

"That would be appreciated, Sister."

Sister Julia smiled and sat back in her chair. "The moment I first laid eyes on you and Joshua, I knew."

"Knew what, Sister?"

"I knew the two of you were sent by God."

Kid wondered if Sister Julia knew he had come for some reason other than offering a helping hand. Then he began to wonder if perhaps he was sent by God, for reasons Sister Julia know nothing of.

Kid looked at Sister Julia nervously. She looked at him knowingly. He felt somehow comforted.

The Novice that had greeted Kid came into the room carrying a tray of cold tea and glasses that she set on the table. She bowed her head at Sister Julie.

"I thought you might wish to offer some tea, Sister Julie."

Sister Julia smiled. "Thank you Sister Michael. Would also bring us the list of repairs. I believe it is tacked to the cupboard in the Refectory. "

Sister Michael nodded and moved quietly out of the room.

Sister Julia filled the two glasses and handed Kid a glass of tea.

"Thank you sister.

"You haven't told me about Joshua. What is he up to these days?"

"I just saw Joshua a few days ago. He's in Wyoming working on a project that... involves probabilities."

"I see," Sister Julia said knowingly. "Well, I hope he fares well with that."

"Yes Ma'am."

Sister Michael returned and gave Sister Julia the list of needed repairs. She in turn handed it to Kid. Reading the list of over a dozen items.

"I think I can take care of all of these over the course of a few days, maybe a week," Kid said and took a drink of his tea.

Sister Julia looked at him and smiled warmly. "Thaddeus, take all the time you need to make the repairs... and to resolve whatever is troubling you."

Kid suddenly felt nervous. "Troubling me?"

"I can see it in your eyes. Something is troubling you. You know I'll do what ever I can to help you...when you're ready."

Kid chewed at the corner of his lower lip. "Thank you, Sister," he said quietly.

Sister Julia stood up and Kid follow. "Well, why don't you go get your things and then I'll show you to your room and you can get settled in. "Perhaps you can get started on the list yet this afternoon."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"We call these rooms cells," Sister Julia said and she showed Kid the ten by ten foot room that contained a single bed and a small dresser. On the wall above the bed hung a picture of Jesus. A small window on another wall offered a view of the barn.

"I'll unpack my things, Sister, and then I think I should make a trip in to town for a few tools and supplies."

"That sounds fine, Thaddeus. Dinner is at seven in the Refectory."

"Refectory?" Kid asked.

Sister Julia smiled. "I recall you and Joshua saying you were not church goers, but you look Irish. I just assumed your family was Catholic."

"Oh, My parents were,Sister. When they came to Kansas from Ireland...well, like Joshua said, there just weren't many Catholics in Kansas. There weren't no Catholic Church nearby."

"Well, refectory is our word for the dining hall, Thaddeus. It's at the far end of this hall on the right. Be prompt."

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Well, I have Vespers and chores to do, so I will see you again for dinner."

When sister Julia had gone, Kid took his belongings from the saddle bags and placed them in the dresser drawers. Then he went outside, mounted his chestnut, and headed into town. He bought the items he needed, a tool belt, various tools, a couple of bags of plaster, nails, ect. and headed back to the convent. He lead his horse into the barn and removed the saddle, blanket, harness and bit and walked the horse into a stall. He filled a feedbag with oats and positioned it on his horse. He took the items from the saddle bags and placed them on a shelf, then strapped on the tool belt and picked out the tools he needed for the afternoon and put them in the tool belt.

Kid started with they foyer, deciding a good first impression was important for anyone entering the convent. He spent the afternoon scrapping brittle plaster from the walls, mixing fresh plaster, and spreading it evenly into the cracks and crevices. Tomorrow, if the weather was dry, he's put a fresh coat of pain on the walls before tackling the floor.

Kid quietly slipped into the seat that had been designated for him in the Refectory. Sister Julia greeted him with a smile and bowed here head to show him the proper protocol. Kid clasped his hands and bowed his head. He gave a quick glance at Julie and saw her eyes were closed so he closed his eyes and waited for grace to be said.

Plates had been pre-filled and seconds were not offered as the Sisters lived on a very tight budget and greed was not a virtue. Looking around the table, Kid noticed he had been given larger portions than the nuns.

"We do an hour of silent prayer after dinner. You are welcome to join us, Thaddeus," Sister Julia said as the meal concluded.

"Thank you, Sister," Kid said and Julia looked surprised but quite pleased. She rose from the table and the other Sisters follow suit, as did Kid. When they entered the small chapel, Sister Julia positioned herself directly in front of Kid, offering his silent direction as to when to bow and how to kneel on the raised board between each pew. When they were positioned, Sister Julia clasped her hands and rested them against her chin and closed here eyes.

Kid did the same. He felt awkward, almost embarrassed. Other than an occasional 'Oh God, help me," Kid had not prayed since he was a small boy. He wasn't sure how to begin, or what to say once he had begun. So, for the better part of the hour, Kid knelt in silent contemplation. But he liked the tranquility, the peacefulness he felt... the comfort.

At the end of the hour, Kid felt Sister Julia's hand on his own and he opened his eyes and looked up at her. She was smiling softly. Feeling a little stiff from an hour on his knees, kid stood up slowly.

"Perhaps this is the beginning of your healing," she whispered.

Kid looked at her and she saw an almost in-perceivable nod of his head.

Sister Julia walked with Kid to his room. He stopped at the door and he felt her hand rest on his arm. "You will heal, Thaddeus. God sometimes moves things along slowly. Sometimes only He knows why."

Kid smiled sadly. "Good night, Sister Julia," he said and walked into his room and shut the door behind him.

Kid woke to a rap on his door and an announcement that breakfast was in half an hour. He opened one eye and looked toward the window. The sun was barely beginning to cast some light into the room. He groaned and stretched and threw the blanket back. He threw his legs over the bed, stood up, and reached for his clothes. Once dressed, Kid slid into his boots. He poured some water in the washing bowl and reached into the top drawer for his shaving items. Using his small metal mirror, he shaved the stubble from his face and dried his face with the towel. Next he walked over to the bedpost and reached for his gun belt but suddenly hesitated. He wasn't sure why he hesitated, but he slowly drew his hand back.

When Kid headed to the Refectory, his gun belt remained dangling from the bedpost.

Kid spent the morning painting the foyer. When he was finished, he swept and washed the foyer floor to get it ready for a coat of varnish. Once the first coat of varnish had been applied, Kid headed out to the barn to exchange tools. Then he headed to the kitchen to begin the next project.

By the end of the first week, the foyer and kitchen projects were completed, the roof of the beleary (outhouse) was repaired, the barn was clean, two cords of wood had been chopped and neatly stacked, the porch had been painted, and the well pulley and rope had been replaced. And each of those evenings, Kid had attended evening prayers.

Saturday afternoon, Kid was painting the barn when Sister Julia approached.

"You're making wonderful progress, Thaddeus. We're all very appreciative of what you done so far."

"Thank you, Sister. I'm very appreciative of what you have done so far," Kid replied.

Sister Julie studied Kid's eyes. "Let's take a walk," she said.

"Alright." Kid set the paint brush on the can of paint. They walked back beyond the barn, coming to a small clearing with stone benches.

"I didn't know this was here," Kid said.

"It's used primarily by the nuns when we need... a quiet place for reflection. Please, sit."

Kid sat on a bench. He leaned forward and rested his arms on his knees. Sister Julia sat on a bench facing him.

"I noticed you've not been wearing your gun," she said.

Kid sat up a little straighter. "No Ma'am."

"Why?"

Kid knew why she brought him to this spot. He knew it was time to tell her the truth, tell her why he had come, what he had hoped to find."

"You have time for a long story?" he asked.

"That's why we are here, Thaddeus... I think you have shared your turmoil with God at Vespers this week. Now it's time to share it with me."

Kid sighed heavily. "Six... almost seven months ago I killed a man in a fair fight. He was as fast a draw as me, maybe faster on a good day. I don't regret killing him. I made my peace with that when it happened. What troubles me is, because of things this man had done... I determined to kill him a couple of months before it actually happened."

"Did you challenge him to the fight, Thaddeus?"

"No Ma'am. He called me out, he challenged me. But that don't change the fact that I planned to kill him long before I did...You see, I've always been a very fast draw... Never come across anyone who could beat me...But I never thought of myself as a gunslinger. Being able to draw so fast, well it stops people in their tracks. I don't often have to shoot... Just drawing usually brings an end to the problem... So, I've never... planned to kill nobody before. I've never had that thought before, till Danny."

"What did this man do to make you want to kill him?"

"He stole twenty thousand dollars from me and Joshua and an old prospector friend. He left us in the desert with no food, no water. We walked our way across the dessert with just a gallon jug of water...The old prospector couldn't do it...couldn't make it."

"And he died?"

Kid nodded.

"And you wanted to appease his death... You wanted revenge?"

"Yes," Kid said quietly.

"Thaddeus, I remember Joshua telling me that your family, and his, were killed by soldiers when you were very young. When that happened, did you want to kill the soldiers that had killed your families?"

Kid slowly nodded. It surprised him that he hadn't connected his feelings about these two events.

"Did you kill the soldiers?"

"No," Kid said quietly.

"But you thought about it?"

Kid nodded.

"Perhaps what this Danny did, triggered those thoughts, brought them all back... just shifted them to a different situation."

"You mean I wanted to kill Danny...because my folks had been murdered?" Kid ask skeptically.

Sister Julia smiled. "No, not exactly. "I mean when when you were left in the desert to die, and your friend did die , the anger that you felt was the same as the anger you felt as a child. Hence the reaction to the anger was also the same."

"But that still don't make it right... to think such things."

"Thaddeus, none of us can control every thought that comes to us. We can control how we respond. You didn't...what was the phrase you used?...You didn't call him out."

"I wanted to."

"But you didn't."

"Kid rubbed his hand across his chin and mouth. "So, God don't think of me as a gunslinger?"

Sister Julia smiled. "I'm quite sure that no one who knows you, Thaddeus, thinks of you as a gunslinger. I think it's time that you stop thinking of yourself that way."

Kid was silent for some time, giving thought to what Julia was saying.

"The day I came here... You knew I came here for help."

Sister Julie smiled. "I knew God brought you here for help."

"I can't imagine having the kind of faith you have, Sister. I'm glad you have it, but..."

"Thaddeus, you don't have to have God to believe in the goodness of mankind. But you do have to have faith in that goodness. I have faith in your goodness, Thaddeus. You're a good man with...maybe just a little bad to make it interesting."

Kid smiled at her. "I won't be here for supper tonight, Sister. I have to go to town and send a telegram. I think I'm ready to go...home."


End file.
